Istanbul Interview

Why did you decide to be a sex therapist?
My career as a sexual healer was born from my natural desires for sex, conflicting with my personal trauma and need for sexual healing.   In my teens I had a healthy sexual libido, until I was a victim of rape.  Then I incurred unbearable emotional and sexual wounding which affected my love life terribly.   It was next to impossible to climax with a lover — the memories haunted me insidiously.   I was very guarded sexually and found it difficult to trust men, even those whom I cared for deeply. 

I was drawn to erotic classics such as the Kama Sutra and other artistic portrayals of celebrated sexuality from ancient cultures.  The first book that influenced me at the tender age of 18, was called The Yin Yang, Chinese Way of Love.  I wanted to be like Madame Fairy Kuu, the sexual priestess and confidant of The Yellow Emperor.   Later in life, I was drawn to the philosophy of tantra and sought guidance through as many books and teachers of the subject as I could find.  In fact I met my first tantra teacher, a Sikh named Aftab, at a bookstore while I was perusing stacks of Tantric books. He approached me and offered his teachings on white tantra through Kundalini Yoga, a series of activating yoga practices that open the body. 

We explored numerous subtle techniques of connecting without touching, to awaken the body’s sensitivity.  He worked with me for about a year.  Then he told me that my next tantra teacher should be a woman, as women could teach me things about my body that men could not. 

Soon I met Jwala who became my mentor and personal friend.  She was offering a workshop in the beautiful cliff region of Laguna, California. I eagerly offered to help promote her workshops, in exchange for being able to attend these workshops. Jwala accepted.  She taught me a powerful technique called the Fire Breath Orgasm. This dynamic technique made my entire body buzz and tremble.  I had many profound discoveries and awakenings during my time with Jwala.  She also offered private sessions which sparked my interest in becoming a sexual healer too.  But first I needed to heal myself.  It took many years to unravel the deep rooted patterns of fear and disconnect that my body had developed from the traumas of rape.  This was an arduous and incredible journey that has laid the tracks and empowered me for the work I now do.

How long have you been a sex therapist?
I have been in this field of work for 23 years.  I prefer to call myself a Sex Educator which is an important part of the Surrogates’ role.  I work with Therapists.

Why are you a sex therapist, what inspires you?
Originally what inspired my work was my own need for sexual healing and the frustration of not being able to find the support I needed.  Unfortunately for me, it was a difficult search and there were very few people that I could really talk to, and even fewer that I could work with privately.  I found that the deeper layers of my condition weren’t in my head, but rather lodged in the cellular memory of my body.  It occurred to me that I needed a Sex Surrogate or someone, who could help me access the memories that were haunting me. 

Being unsuccessful in finding a Sex Surrogate that could help me, I decided to become one and help myself.  The more I’ve recovered from my own sexual trauma and emotional blocks, the more I wanted to help others who had similar challenges in their lives.  Ultimately, I hope that my work with men could also help prevent unhappy marriages, and above all educate men. It is my objective to help men understand what they want and ask for it in a healthy way, I want to do what I can to help prevent women from being violated.

What is your philosophy, what is your motto?
I am committed to help heal our planet through every man, woman and couple I reach.  As they clear within themselves the fear and shame of sex and awaken their body bliss, I provide a healthy understanding of conscious, enlightened sexual loving.  I endeavor to help reawaken the innocence and put the sacred back in sexuality!  Exulting sexual expression as sacred, rather than dirty and lewd, allows a greater understanding of our high purpose and personal power in this life.  When we learn to master our sexual desires and channel this energy toward love and high intentions, orgasm becomes a blessing.  And it empowers our lives and visions!

My mission is to assist all who wish to live a natural, healthy, orgasmic life; teaming with passion and pleasure.  Increasing our libido, the vital creative life force, ensures us of good health and happiness.  I pray that the overflow of this richness will bathe and bless the world around us.

I love to help people awaken to a great state of wholeness within their heart, body, mind and soul.  My intention is to be a sensitive and caring guide, helping those who come to me to understand and deepen their capacity to love, through the sacred union of sex and spirit.

The more people that experience intimate love, unbridled passion, and limitless pleasure, the more we will all experience Heaven on Earth. 

What is your background education?
Simultaneous to my tantra interest, I ran across an ad in a local newspaper for sex surrogate training.  I immediately signed up for classes because I wanted to augment my tantra teachings with an understanding of the psychology of people who suffered sexual trauma and dysfunctions.  And again it was another opportunity for me to gain a greater understanding of my personal psychological condition.

During my training, and internship with Dr. Michael Perry, MFCC, I was able to practice a lot of communication and intimacy exercises with the other students and subsequently utilize what I’ve learned in my practice with with my clients. This, in many cases, became as healing for me, as it was for them!  So I was learning and healing, on the job, which can be an unstable road, for all concerned. 

The course which consisted of 120 hours in training, plus 60 hours of internship, certified me as a Sex Surrogate and I began seeing clients by referral and guidance with Dr. Perry.  My client base ranged from virgins, to men in their 70s with a wide gamut of sexual conditions.  Learning together the process of awakening sensual touch and communication was very insightful.  I learned and healed a lot along with my clients.  But the voice inside my soul called me to move on.  Continuing to search the path of ancient cultures with enlightened views on sexuality, Tantra called me back.   On Jwala’s encouragement, I embarked upon a year-long tantra teacher training with her mentors, Sunyata Saraswati and Bodhi Avinasha.   They taught me the ancient traditions of tantra as a science and practice that stems from lineage of Baba Ji, and Tantra Kriya yoga. 

I found this practice to be very gratifying as it reawakened my innocence and opened my mind, heart and body immensely.   Another mind blowing breakthrough was during the Tantric Tibetan Rebirthing Exercise where I was cradled and aroused by two men at the same time, one focusing on my heart while the other stimulated my sex.  I breathed into an expanded state which tapped it to some deep imprints from my birth.   Through the night my heart was laboring feelings of being unwanted.  In the morning I had an awesome breakthrough!   While communicating to the group at the workshop about what I was experiencing, I went to a catharsis.  I was gently embraced by two women, one who represented my mother and the other was a grandmother figure.  They both nurtured me and spoke to the core place of early wounding that had been unearthed within me.  I felt tender and vulnerable but in a safe place to feel this way.  Many layers of unworthiness arose and were resolved over the course of this training.  Little did I know at the time, this was just the tip of the iceberg!

Diving deeper in the direction of tantra, with its vast wisdom and ancient knowledge, it integrated my sexuality with my heart and mind.  I then enrolled in a course with Charles and Caroline Muir, founders of the Source School of Tantra, and authors of the book, Tantra, the Art of Conscious Loving.  This work radically changed my life in one weekend, (and for many years to follow) as the massage techniques they developed and referred to as, “sacred spot massage” touched me in ways and in places that nothing else had.  I discovered that while being touched in places where trauma was held, if I could stay present with my eyes open and breathe through the emotions that arose, my body would release the pain, the shame and the guards that caused me numbness; and reawaken to a state of exquisite sensitivity!  I interned and assisted with them closely for the next sixteen years.  My mentorship and association with Charles and Caroline totally transformed me!

What is your main focus in your therapy?
Occasionally I have the honor of working with a couple or a woman.  But the majority of my clients tend to be men, most of them struggling with coming sooner than they would like to.  And I often work with men who are not able to “perform” for a variety of reasons.  Many men would prefer to talk to someone like myself about their problems than their own wives or partners.  Most would prefer not to talk about their sexual problems at all!  So they come to me when they’re very distressed, frustrated and at their wits end.
Many men don’t know how to satisfy their partners and want to learn from someone other than their partner.  I suppose that’s partly due to the woman not feeling comfortable to talk about these matters.  Perhaps they are too shy or embarrassed to discuss their sexual needs with their partners.

Is it a legal therapy?
It’s in a gray area in the US.  If the surrogate works with and by the referral of a therapist, then it is for the most part considered legal in the States.  I suppose if an upset or jealous partner reported a surrogate to the police, then there may be an investigation.  But I conduct myself in a very professional way and always invite a client to bring his or her partner with them for sessions.  I always take an in-depth profile on each person, before accepting them as a client, so that I understand their background and any psychological problems that they’re working with.

Is it true that you had sexual intercourse with your 1500 clients?
I don’t have intercourse with most of my clients, however it is considered part of the surrogate’s normal practice.  But the fact is, I’m no longer a Sex Surrogate.  A more accurate figure is maybe 1 out of 20.  But even when there is intercourse, it’s usually a very slow and conscious process.  Often the first time we have penetration it is very slow and minimal.  And always with a condom.

Are all of your clients men?
No I work with women too, just not as commonly.  I think it’s much more difficult for a woman to ask for help then it is for a man.  The fees may have something to do with that.  Women are not accustomed to paying for sexual services of any kind, even therapeutic.

Where are you from?
I was born in America; my ancestry is Lebanese.

Have you ever experienced an interesting situation that has surprised you?
Oh yes, I had several interesting situations and experiences in my line of work.  One that stands out was during my training with Charles and Caroline Muir.  It was an advanced tantric workshop. It culminated when a quadriplegic was wheeled into the room. “Charles wanted to give him a special gift, so he brought this man to our graduation party, and we took him out of his wheelchair and undressed him. We removed his catheter, and all of us were massaging him together.  There were seven women in the advanced workshop.  He told me that the only place he had feeling was the tip of his penis, so I touched the tip of his penis to the top of my clitoris and asked him if the could feel that.

What happened next was so moving that I still get choked up remembering it.  When he said that he could [feel my clitoris], I felt this flood of energy come through me. It was like a tidal wave. I let myself flood him with my energy. Four out of seven of us ejaculated on him that day. 

At the end of the experience, when we were all lying there in the after-glow, he said, “I feel like I’m about to move my toe.” And after a moment he moved his toe.  The next day he started getting erections and even attracted a girlfriend into his life.  I actually had the feeling that if we continued to do this on a regular basis he’d be able to walk again.

Have you ever fallen in love with a client? If so, what happened?
I fell in love with a client once.  He originally found me on a personal section seeking a Tantric partner and when I didn’t respond to him as a potential suitor, he came to me as a client instead.   It was several months later that I became aware that his original contact with me was not professional.  By that time we were in love.  However, as all things come to an end, he eventually moved on and met a woman who he is now happily married to.  I smile in my heart when I think of him, knowing that I helped him to have a more satisfying love-life.

Have you ever had Turkish clients? What do you think about Turkish men or women?
I’ve never had a Turkish client, but I’ve worked with several men from the Middle East.  I find they have a very unique dynamic when it comes to relating to women.  I find men from the Middle East, and parts of the Far East as well as Africa, tend to be very dominating.  In fact, I was raped by a Middle Eastern man.  We met on the beach and began talking… he sang beautiful songs in Arabic while we walked.  And as it was getting dark, less than an hour into our first meeting, he threw me down into the sand and started to forcibly have his way with me.  While I was resisting, I was forced into submission.  He then wanted to kidnap me and take me home with him to be his captive slave.  Fortunately I screamed for help at the right time and got away.   That changed what could have blossomed into an interesting romance into a terrible memory.  I think date rape and rape among married couples is probably more common than we know.  Many people don’t want to talk about it or admit it, but the fact is they have been degraded by their life mate. Even when married, if a woman is being forced to have sex against her will — regardless of the nature of the relationship; its rape.  If it is violent, it leaves a scar.

That could be why so many women aren’t orgasmic.  A worthwhile research to investigate: how many women are shut down and inorgasmic because they have been forced to have sex against their will?  A woman is like a flower, she blossoms magnificently when given the time, love and attention she needs to open.

Have you had celebrity clients?
Yes, but I prefer not to mention names, I respect the privacy of all my clients and never divulge who they are due to the intimate nature of my work.

There is interesting research published recently in Turkey. The research shows that 1 out of 3 Turkish men are impotent and that there are many women in Turkey who have never experienced orgasm, what is your comment about the situation?
It’s very sad to think that so many men and women are sexually dysfunctional in that area.  But I do know that there is hope for both conditions.  It takes a concerted effort on both parts, but it’s definitely worth the time and effort to create a sexually rich love-life.  [Further research ideas, mentioned above were prompted by this question]

Why are some women not orgasmic?
I think it’s because they were forced open in ways that caused them to shut down rather than expand and relax and receive, like the river to the sea.  If a woman is not relaxed and open to receive, she will never know how much pleasure there is to a receiving  vagina.  This is of course coming from my personal experience. What it took for me to open was monumental… a lot of tears, screaming, kicking and cathartic, primal releases to say and do what I couldn’t do before.

One of my boyfriends was called upon several times to stand in as representative  rapist, Women then could beat him up to get the angst out of her system.  It was very therapeutic for these women to be able to re-frame the story with him by acting out. He was a big guy so he could take it.  In one of my therapeutic processes I was asked to act out the part of the rapist and switch roles.  That was an interesting experience and of course another cathartic release.  I think by bringing it to the surface like this it can be reviewed and re-framed in a way that has a different impact on the rest of our lives.  While we can’t change the past, and what has already occurred, both victim and perpetrator’s alike CAN change the way they think and feel about the incident.  That can be liberating.

As for why men have difficulty getting aroused, I think a large majority of them have performance anxiety.  That can be very simple or complex, depending on their past experiences.  But it’s always based on being in their mind, rather than in their body.  They are worrying if they’ll be able to keep it up long enough, if they’ll get it right & win her over, being afraid that they’ll come sooner than they’d like to and not satisfy her, which invariably causes their fear to occur.  Regardless, they are all distractions to what’s really happening in their bodies and their partner’s body, so rather than doing a lot of talk therapy to work through these issues in their head and then try to remember the solutions to apply them in real life, touch therapy gets right in there so they can experience being really present for the woman and what comes up for him at those times.  Man’s ego gets in the way because he wants to look like he knows what to do so he doesn’t ask for directions; this is unfortunate for him and for his partner.  And the more he asks the more he and his partner will discover.  I often teach couples a game that helps them to explore one another’s erogenous zones and increase the power along with the duration of pleasure.  It’s a lot of fun and gets them into their bodies exploring, playing and talking, discovering what they like.  Of course the result of the game is wonderful because everyone’s a winner!

The goal of the game is to explore and find maximum pleasure in every erogenous zone throughout the body.  So you start with the hands or feet and explore every body part in every way with caresses and kisses and licks, blowing, nibbling… you get the picture with the intention sensitizing the body to experience immense pleasure everywhere; before approaching the genitals.  This will surely increase a person’s orgasmic ability because they will already be sensitized – yearning for more.  Everyone woman loves to be teased.  I think a conscious man does too, as it increases the playing field for all.  And of course makes it last longer too.  Some overly masculine men think it’s too sissy-like or gay to indulge in sensual pleasures.  They really miss out.  This is unfortunate for them, and their partners.

How would you describe a healthy sexual life, what are your recommendations?
I think a healthy sex life starts with communication, and being willing to work on issues.

The media portrays a certain type of sexuality through pornography. What are your views on that?
Pornography weakens the intimacy between the partners because it usually doesn’t portray lovers who are using sex as an expression of their love for one another.  So you see bodies having sex but not really connecting at a soul level which is undeniably distinct and beautiful to witness.

Is there any relation with sex and power? The more powerful you are the more satisfying your sex life? Do you believe this is it true or not?
Absolutely, it goes both ways actually!  I also think that when a man or woman has a healthy, happy sex life, it increases their overall self-assurance in other areas of their life and therefore their monetary and other successes just naturally follow.

When a person is fulfilled emotionally and sexually, their confidence increases, along with their drive to be successful, and for the right reasons.  They share the wealth, rather than to trying to make themselves appear more important, keeping up a good front so people really never know the real person inside. Through understanding and aligning with the source of pure pleasure, our life forces may nourish, strengthen and empower every aspect of our existence; because everything is connected. 

How would you classify your clients, middle class, upper middle class, or working class? Which classes have which problems?
I would guess that most of my clients are middle to upper class.  That’s probably just because my rates are a bit high for the average person.  So I offer phone sessions at half the price of an in-personal session.  I also give webinars so people can work with me in the comfort and privacy of their own home.  I just began doing this to fulfill the enormous need.  I’ve had requests from people in just about every country in the world.

Thank you for you answers…

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Entrainment & Pleasure

Hear Mare discuss. (8:02)

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